Letter to the clemency board for Brett

Dear members of the Parole Board, June 27, 2011
I am writing you in regard of the planned execution of Brett Hartmann on August 16th.
I want to urge you to give Brett Hartmann a stay of execution.
I have known Brett for over 4 years now. I have read the trial transcripts and the police reports myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is too much doubt about his guilt to execute Brett.


The facts of this case:


There were hairs found on the victims body and also a used condom. Despite different attempts, the Summit County Prosecutor refused to have these important pieces of evidence tested.

There was evidence supporting Brett’s own story; he was with the victim the night before she was murdered and he found her hours after the murder. The evidence of the time of the murder, like the alarm clock and finger prints found, were sent to the lab, but the results were never shared. Other evidence at the time of the murder were never tested at all.

At the time of the murder Brett was at home (15 minutes away from the crime scene) on the phone with a friend. The testimony of that friend and phone records support this.

The defense failed to call expert witnesses on the stand who contradicted the testimony of the expert witness of the Prosecutor, Rod Englert. His theory and testimony about the blood found on Brett’s t-shirt were false.

When comparing the police reports with the testimonies of several police officers, it becomes clear that these police officers committed perjury in favor for the Prosecution. For example there was a fingerprint found on the alarm clock (the cord was used to strangle the victim) and sent to the lab, but the results were never shared. Members of the police testified the fingerprint was not clear enough to send it to the lab.

The police and Prosecutor failed to pursue the most likely alternative suspect. He didn’t have an alibi at the time of the murder, he had a master key of the building and he was the ex boyfriend of the victim. Witnesses have heard him threaten the victim on several occasions.

There is questionable testimony from a jailhouse snitch. Perjury involving the primary government informant in the case would bring the reliability of the jury’s guilty verdict into question.


Brett as the person I know:


I have come to know Brett as a generous, loving and caring person. He has been a great friend over the years. I have had contact with Brett through letters, on the phone and on several visits. Despite his situation he has always been there for me and always supported me through all my ordeals. He is a calm, intelligent and thoughtful person. He has successfully finished his paralegal studies, became an ordained minister and has done several other studies while incarcerated. He has also painted the walls in the prison and has made several paintings for family and loved ones. Brett is a huge contribution to many peoples’ lives. He certainly is to mine.


Finally, I have the upmost sympathy for Winda Snipes’ family and friends. But when there is so much doubt about Brett’s guilt, executing him will bring them no justice either.The real killer might still be walking the streets. I am urging you, not only for Brett’s sake, but also for Winda, her loved ones and for the safety of everyone else, that you give Brett Hartmann a stay of execution. With this stay DNA can be tested and we can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Brett is in fact innocent. When you don’t give Brett a stay, the streets are not safer, Winda and her loved ones haven’t gotten justice and the real killer remains unpunished.


Sincerely,

My letter for Brett

I keep procrastinating it, because I don't want to do it. Because when I do, it is reality. When I do, the truth is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. August 16. Just another date for so many people. But that date has been hunting me. I've had nightmares about that date. For more than 4 years he has been such a close friend. And now I need to write a letter to the Clemency Board to save his life. Brett has an execution date for August 16.

He is innocent, so how can this happen? Let me put one thing straight. I am not saying he is innocent, because I want  him to be innocent, because I think he is innocent or because he told me he is innocent. I am saying he is innocent, because I know he is innocent. Some of my friends think I have poor judgement when it comes to his innocence. They think I got too personally involved and that this has blurred my objectivity. The great thing about Brett is when we met, he didnt emphasize his innocence. He just sent me the trial transcript and all the police reports and told me to judge for myself. I was amazed by the complete lack of evidence against him and similarily amazed by the pile of evidence supporting his innocence. People have elevated their careers because of Brett's conviction. He has been on death row for over 13 years now. It makes me angry, it makes me pissed off and it makes me feel completely powerless. I want to slap the members of the Clemency Board in their face with all the evidence supporting his innocence. I want to scream at them that they are about to execute an innocent man and that the real murderer is still out there. I am astonished that  prosecutors, policemen and so called expert witnesses have willingly commited perjury and thereby signed his death sentence to help their own careers. If Brett would have pleaded guilty, he would have gotten life without parole. But because he didnt show remorse according to the judge and kept claiming his innocence, he got the death sentence. Brett will never admit guilt, even if he can save his life with it. Not then and not now. The legacy he wants to leave is not that of a murderer. But right now most people see him this way.

And now I have to write a letter to the Clemency Board. Can words persuade them to give him a stay?
Should I tell them about all of the wonderful memories we shared? Does it matter to them that he loved waking me up with his 3am phonecalls, he learned how to speak Dutch, but couldnt pronounce the letter 'G' and we couldn't stop laughing when throwing food at each other at visits? Do they care that he gave me the nickname Roadrunner and Bula, he made a lot of beautiful paintings for me and that I just don't want to lose such a dear friend? Will they quickly read through the letter and then lay it aside or will they read it and let the words really sink in?

Brett doesn't deserve to die. He doesn't need to die. Brett is such a beautiful, warm and gentle person. He blames himself that we became close friends, because he doesn't want to leave me devastated when he is executed. When his execution does happen, I will be left devastated, but I will never regret knowing him and loving him. I will never regret all the moments we shared. It was all worth it. I wouldn't change a thing.


I hope the words will make them realize that Brett shouldn't die. I hope Brett will be spared. I hope Brett will live. I hope. I will keep hoping.

Your beautiful soul

A beautiful mind, filled with extraordinary thoughts. A beautiful soul, filled with intense emotions. I am amazed by the truth behind your thoughts. I am touched by the heart behind your emotions. You are unique in a way that is unique itself.  Words not spoken from the heart are better left unsaid. As I listen to your words, I realize how remarkable you are. Your soul speaks the language of the heart so fluently, I cannot stop listening.
I tell myself to remember the words, because there is so much to learn from it.

A beautiful mind, filled with a great sense of humor. A beautiful soul, filled with smiles and laughter. A sense of humor so compatible to mine. In times of stress, laughter eases the pain. In times of grieve, a smile gets everyting into perspective. When you can laugh at each others jokes, life gets easier in a way.

A beautiful mind, filled with the hard lessons of life. A beautiful soul, filled with pain and love. When you can share your pain with each other without holding back, you are connected. You can cry and you can even argue. When our heart bleeds, we accept that we can argue sometimes. We will cry together afterwards and move on. That is how we help each other to deal with the lessons life gives us.

You are who you are. I cherish the good and the bad. Why? Because I am in love with your soul.

Chasing dreams

When you walked away, I couldn't move. I let you walk away until you were nothing but a fragment of my imagination. Your existence only remained in my mind. I believed in you, I believed in us. I forgot to believe in myself. Your dreams became mine. It didn't matter what I wanted. It was never a part of your dreams. I got captured in your world. I forgot what my world looked like. I altered myself, so I could be who I thought you wanted me to be. You didn't ask me to do this, but you didn't mind it happened. I followed your dreams everywhere. I was convinced I could fulfill your dreams, but somehow I was afraid I couldn't fulfill my own.
So I buried my dreams and focused on yours. It felt so much easier. There was never a weight on my shoulders, because I was good in chasing dreams for everyone else but myself. I was ready to change my life for you. I had already given up so much, but I believed it was for a greater good. My best friend asked me if this was what I needed to do or what I wanted to do. I couldn't answer the question, but our conversation kept haunting me. So I let you walk away. Left with nothing, I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't remember where my dreams were buried. I put all of your dreams in a box. They were no longer my dreams to chase.

I have learned from this all and I have never regretted being with you. I hope I won't make the same mistakes again though. I will always do my best to help other people pursuing their dreams, I just won't chase them myself anymore. I have my own dreams now. And no matter how small they are, they're my dreams.

The mask you wear so perfectly

Certain people have invaded my thoughts the last couple of days.  I call it invasion, because I have been trying so hard to block these people out of my mind. I guess it didn’t work. Sometimes someone can destroy so much, that even the good memories disappear. Those memories used to bring a smile on my face, but now everything has changed. Anger and bitterness remain. I blamed myself at first, although I didn't even know what had happened. I still believed in your sincerity, because I needed to. I still believed in your goodness, because I wanted to. You said you never wanted to hurt me. But you did it anyway. I guess actions speak louder than words.

But it's over now. I have stopped believing in you. I don't believe in what you are trying to represent. You have been playing your act for so long, you have started to believe in it yourself. You are a misrepresentation of yourself. I know I have my faults and flaws, I know I am not perfect. But at least I can say I am perfectly myself. The only perfection you have is how you wear your mask. You are wearing it so perfectly that no one knows and no one sees who you really are. In the end I knew and I saw. You made me pay the price for that. But ultimately you will pay that price. Your mask will fade away and the people will see you for who you are. You are just a shell now, an empty shell. If you keep wearing your mask, you will never find happiness. You keep searching for it, but I know you still haven't found it. You have crossed the world, so desperately to find a hint of happiness. But you will never find happiness if you cannot be yourself. You think you have been cursed, but the only curse there is, is the one you put on yourself. 

The good memories are still there, but I have buried them. One day I will be able to let those memories surface and maybe it will put a smile on my face again. Until then the memories of you are locked up inside of me, your existence only visible in pictures I won't look at again. 

I don't feel vengeance. Behind the anger and bitterness I still have hope for you; hope that you will be able to find yourself behind the mask you wear so perfectly.

Unspoken words

Sometimes you feel you have lost someone, while they are still around. You try to hold on to them, but you feel them slowly slipping away from you. It is not certain events that make you realize this loss. It is a distance you feel when you sit next to each other. The unspoken words will never be heard, but are felt so much more. The understanding vanishes, the disbelief remains. You want to save what is still there, grasp on to what is left, build what has fallen apart. But with every brick you place back, you have a feeling two bricks fall down again. All that remains is the ruins of what once was a beautiful friendship.

Words mean nothing in the end. Words are empty when they are not spoken from the heart. But still people take greater value to what is said instead of what is felt. But isn't it so much better to know and feel that there is someone in your life who will always have your back, who will always be there for you without you even having to ask? And isn't it beautiful when that someone also shows you that the sense of loss you had, is ungrounded? Your best friend is the one who will show you the value of your other close friends, because he knows he will never be replaced. Your best friend is the one who will tell you the truth, because he knows you can handle hearing it from him. Your best friend is the one who will tell you the unspoken words you felt are wrong, because he knows you can be dyslexic at times.

Sometimes you have to let go of the feeling you have and trust that, no matter how many bricks fall down, the foundation you have built together is strong enough to hold a lifetime.

My secret

I have been keeping a secret for quite some time now. I have felt the secret, I even dreamt the secret, but I never acknowledged it. I have been in denial about this secret for many months now, but secretly while lying in bed, I would, still awake, dream about my secret. I would escape what is and would dream about what could be.

When people would ask me about it, I would just deny its existence. I would return to my every day routine and would go on being in denial. The secret makes me smile, but at the same time makes me cry. It makes me love, but at the same time makes me scared. My secret is like an aphrodisiac. Its a drug so addictive, it stays inside of you, even if you don't want to. Like any drug, it also has its side effects; it's unpredictable, heart wrenching and hurtful at times. There have been times I just wanted to dispose of my secret, I didn't want it no more. I was just ready to give up on my secret. But somehow my secret was so precious, I had to cling on to it.

My secret involves a lot of people, some know they are part of my secret, others don't. Some people anxiously want to know about my secret, others would rather run away and never look back.

The moments I feel my secret the most is when I am with the people I love. Just hanging out, talking with the people I love makes me feel my secret so intensely. I breath my secret at moments like that. The people you love and love you can do that with you. But still at those moments they still don't realize my secret is there, they don't think about it. But I do know if my secret would ever vanish, they would miss it.

I have carried my secret with me for so long now. Sometimes I forget about it, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes I almost hate my secret.

The past year my secret had become a struggle, so much even I pretended my secret wasn't there. I buried my secret in work, denial and insomnia. But finally my secret hit me in the head with a frying pan.

So now I have decided to finally acknowledge the secret, to embrace it, to do with it what I want, to make the people I love a part of the secret, like they have always been secretly. It is a liberating, but scary feeling.

My secret is life. What's yours?

Your mirror

Why are you afraid of me? Why do you feel the need to walk away? Am I too confronting for you? Do I tell you things no one has ever told you before?
The times that you don't want to look in the mirror, are exactly the times that you should. You can avoid the mirror and accept the always nagging pain somewhere deep in your heart or you can confront it, feel pain like you never have before, heal your wounds and then walk out of it better than before.
You stay within your own comfort zone. It is what you know, it is where you feel safe. Sometimes you try to take one step out of your comfort zone, but you freak out and run back, making your world even smaller than it already was. Your dreams are bigger than the comfort zone you live in. You can stay and think about what could have been or you can take that step and follow your dreams.

I was your mirror. I was the one telling you to step out of your comfort zone. You got scared and pushed away the one person who believes you are bigger than life, the one person who believes in your dreams. You banned your mirror out of your life, so you could feel safe again. Now you are living the life you know again, surrounded by people who don't know you, surrounded by people who will never come too close.

But beside me, there is still one person left who believes you are bigger than life and who believes in your dreams. Please don't push him away. Without him you will be captured in your comfort zone forever.
Listen to him, embrace him and love him. Maybe you can't right now, but there will come a time you can.
And if the time comes you can, just look in the mirror. Because that one person is you!

Life as I knew it...

Have you ever felt like every certainty you had, is wiped away in one single moment? That in one single moment your world collapses?  Well I have. Life as I knew it, would never be the same.
I broke down and couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep.  I felt betrayed, because I didn't understand. And because I didn't understand, I blamed myself. Was everything I thought to be true a lie? All those promises didn't mean anything anymore?
I was ready to call it quits, because I couldn't bare feeling the pain anymore. I snapped out of the moment when I realized I was in my pajamas and I didn't want to go that way. Life can be funny that way.
My friends would call me every day to make sure I was still in my pajamas. They listened to the same story over and over. I also thought of the promise I once made to you. My pajamas, my friends and my promise saved me.

You don't need to hear my voice to know what I am saying. You don't need to hold my hand to feel me. You don't need to look into my eyes to see my soul.  And vice versa I don't need it either. 

Words don't even matter anymore. Even in silence you can still read my mind.  But still the silence hurts sometimes. I still feel your presence and your pain, I always will. Lies were never there, I know now the truth never changed. I believe and I know. 

Despite the absence, despite the silence, I wait for change. Change will come, one day. 

Listen to your heart and you will hear me speak. With every step you take, you will feel me next to you. Look inside yourself and you will see my soul.

Past Present Future

A lot of people always say: Dont look back at the past, but live in the present and look at the future. It is so easy to say and so hard to do. How can you not look at the past, when it is the past that defines who you are in the present and how you look at the future? Every day you create more past and less future. In this last week I added quite some hard moments to my past. So I had to use the present to deal with the past and again there is less future left. Recently losing someone who was an important part of my present and future, also dragged me back to the past. My body is in the present, but my soul is in the past and in my mind there is no future.

The past, present and future are always linked together. With your closest friends you talk about your past, while you make new memories together in the present and make plans for the future. You can never change the past, but you can always change the course of your future. Sometimes because you have no other choice and sometimes because you want to.

A good friend of mine sent me a message this week. It said: When the tide of life turns against you and the current upsets your boat, don't waste your time on what might have been. Just lie on your back and float.

So I'll just float and see where life takes me. I'll just do what I want to do now and leave the future where it belongs; in the future. What I want now is to be happy. I am trying. And in the meanwhile I'll float on the waves that life gives me. I'll try not to sink.