I'm still breathing

I have died so many deaths.
I have choked in my own tears while mourning for my soul.
I broke my heart while mourning for my love.
I bled dry while cutting the pain out of my heart.
I have died over and over again.
But still there must be some life left in me.
I'm still breathing.

My truth

I'm not difficult, I'm just not easy. Big difference. You don't need to understand me. I don't understand me either. Believe me I tried. It's such a waste of time. Disagree with me. Have a different opinion. I love a good discussion. See what I see, but see it differently. My truth doesn't have to be your truth. So don't expect your truth to be mine either.

If life would be simple, it wouldn't be that difficult. Love is only beautiful when it's fucking hard.
Life sucks. And then you die.

My truth.

Your beautiful soul

A beautiful mind, filled with extraordinary thoughts. A beautiful soul, filled with intense emotions. I am amazed by the truth behind your thoughts. I am touched by the heart behind your emotions. You are unique in a way that is unique itself.  Words not spoken from the heart are better left unsaid. As I listen to your words, I realize how remarkable you are. Your soul speaks the language of the heart so fluently, I cannot stop listening.
I tell myself to remember the words, because there is so much to learn from it.

A beautiful mind, filled with a great sense of humor. A beautiful soul, filled with smiles and laughter. A sense of humor so compatible to mine. In times of stress, laughter eases the pain. In times of grieve, a smile gets everyting into perspective. When you can laugh at each others jokes, life gets easier in a way.

A beautiful mind, filled with the hard lessons of life. A beautiful soul, filled with pain and love. When you can share your pain with each other without holding back, you are connected. You can cry and you can even argue. When our heart bleeds, we accept that we can argue sometimes. We will cry together afterwards and move on. That is how we help each other to deal with the lessons life gives us.

You are who you are. I cherish the good and the bad. Why? Because I am in love with your soul.

Chasing dreams

When you walked away, I couldn't move. I let you walk away until you were nothing but a fragment of my imagination. Your existence only remained in my mind. I believed in you, I believed in us. I forgot to believe in myself. Your dreams became mine. It didn't matter what I wanted. It was never a part of your dreams. I got captured in your world. I forgot what my world looked like. I altered myself, so I could be who I thought you wanted me to be. You didn't ask me to do this, but you didn't mind it happened. I followed your dreams everywhere. I was convinced I could fulfill your dreams, but somehow I was afraid I couldn't fulfill my own.
So I buried my dreams and focused on yours. It felt so much easier. There was never a weight on my shoulders, because I was good in chasing dreams for everyone else but myself. I was ready to change my life for you. I had already given up so much, but I believed it was for a greater good. My best friend asked me if this was what I needed to do or what I wanted to do. I couldn't answer the question, but our conversation kept haunting me. So I let you walk away. Left with nothing, I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't remember where my dreams were buried. I put all of your dreams in a box. They were no longer my dreams to chase.

I have learned from this all and I have never regretted being with you. I hope I won't make the same mistakes again though. I will always do my best to help other people pursuing their dreams, I just won't chase them myself anymore. I have my own dreams now. And no matter how small they are, they're my dreams.

The mask you wear so perfectly

Certain people have invaded my thoughts the last couple of days.  I call it invasion, because I have been trying so hard to block these people out of my mind. I guess it didn’t work. Sometimes someone can destroy so much, that even the good memories disappear. Those memories used to bring a smile on my face, but now everything has changed. Anger and bitterness remain. I blamed myself at first, although I didn't even know what had happened. I still believed in your sincerity, because I needed to. I still believed in your goodness, because I wanted to. You said you never wanted to hurt me. But you did it anyway. I guess actions speak louder than words.

But it's over now. I have stopped believing in you. I don't believe in what you are trying to represent. You have been playing your act for so long, you have started to believe in it yourself. You are a misrepresentation of yourself. I know I have my faults and flaws, I know I am not perfect. But at least I can say I am perfectly myself. The only perfection you have is how you wear your mask. You are wearing it so perfectly that no one knows and no one sees who you really are. In the end I knew and I saw. You made me pay the price for that. But ultimately you will pay that price. Your mask will fade away and the people will see you for who you are. You are just a shell now, an empty shell. If you keep wearing your mask, you will never find happiness. You keep searching for it, but I know you still haven't found it. You have crossed the world, so desperately to find a hint of happiness. But you will never find happiness if you cannot be yourself. You think you have been cursed, but the only curse there is, is the one you put on yourself. 

The good memories are still there, but I have buried them. One day I will be able to let those memories surface and maybe it will put a smile on my face again. Until then the memories of you are locked up inside of me, your existence only visible in pictures I won't look at again. 

I don't feel vengeance. Behind the anger and bitterness I still have hope for you; hope that you will be able to find yourself behind the mask you wear so perfectly.

Returning home

When you just lost someone, the memories hurt like hell. You try so hard to erase all the memories, because you can't stand the pain. You pray for amnesia, because maybe that will help you move on. Everywhere you go, everything you do, reminds you of the person you lost. After a while the pain eases a little bit and for the first time the memories make you smile.

My (second) mom passed away almost a year ago. I am planning to go see her son, my dear friend Brett, pretty soon. Brett has spent the last 13 years on death row for a crime he did not commit.
When I arrive in the States, she won't pick me up from the airport. She won't be smoking Richmond cigarettes and won't buy us donuts for our afternoon coffee. She won't be watching Law and Order in the kitchen. She won't say she needs to put her face on before going out (God how that always made me smile). She won't put her arms around me and tell me she loves me.

Mom was one of the strongest women I have ever known. Her heart was bigger than the state she lived in. There were so many beautiful things about her that defined the person she was. Even in time of darkness, she still had hope. She never gave up the fight to free Brett. I admire her beyond words. In every way, she is the definition of my hero.

Writing this brings back memories. It makes me smile, but cry at the same time.  No one can ever take away the moments we shared and all the beautiful memories I have of her. I only wish there would have been more memories. I wish you were still here mom. God how I miss you.

I know it will hurt like hell to go back without her being there. She ended her last email to me with " Luv you little one.. Mom". The last time I saw mom, she told me I would always have a family there to come home to.

So mom I'm coming home.

The sun will always be the same

In the breeze I hear your whisper,
the thunderstorm reflects my pain.
Through the wind I feel your heartbeat,
but still the sun will always be the same.

I have no trust left in this darkness,
but I feel your tears falling like the rain.
You came and left like a tornado,
but still the sun will always be the same.

A storm is roaring in my soul,
The love within drowned in sea.
But I know in this deep darkness,
there is still some sunlight in me.

My bucket list

When I was young I wanted to become a stewardess, a clown, a private investigator and a journalist. I scratched becoming a stewardess of my list rather quickly. I liked the idea of traveling, but the rest wasnt really for me. Then the clown changed into a stand up comedian, the private investigator changed into a member of the Italian mob and the journalist changed into a bestselling author. God knows how I ended up being a teamleader in a callcentre, it most certainly wasnt part of my plan. I dont think I will become a stand up comedian, because I am only funny by accident and I recently heard from someone you have to be fullblood Italian to be accepted as a member of the Italian mob and since I am half Italian and a woman, I dont think I'll stand a chance. So the bestselling author remains. I am writing a book, so who knows! I really want to finish this book and then see if I can find a publisher. But I am sure I will get it done. Since the past few months I have been thinking a lot about what I want and what I dont want, what I am good at and what I suck at (which is quite a lot!), I decided to make my very own bucket list. Ever seen the movie? Well I haven't. It's on my bucket list now.

It's great to have a bucket list and to be able to check things off that you have done. I would suggest to all of you to make a bucket list, it is so much fun. I wrote my small dreams and big dreams on there and I hope I will have checked off all of them before I die. So here are some of the things on my bucket list. I wont bore you with all of the things on my list, but I can tell you my bucket list is huge! But here we go with some of the things on my list:

• Fly an airplane (preferable without passengers for their own safety)
• Visit Tibet
• Go see my 'big bro' Jeff in Lancaster
• Go to South Africa and Australia
• Have an exposition with my paintings
• Become a bestselling author (so you all have to buy my book!)
• Have a big party for all of my friends with Italian food and music
• Do it in an elevator (well what can I say!)
• Go to a Pearl Jam concert
• Love, live and laugh

These are just some of the things on my bucket list. I hope you feel inspired to make a bucket list as well!

Oh and I havent given up on my dream to become a member of the Italian mob just yet. I figured they really need a woman as il capo di tutti capi, so I'll just start my own famiglia :-) Another thing on my bucket list!

The forest

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I scream, no one can hear me, as if my screams are silenced by the invisible tears I cry. And the more people don't respond to my screams for help, the more I feel alone. Walls go up again and I am caught in the lonely feeling called hurt. I have never been a priority to no one, because when I cry out for help, I am not on anyone's to do list for that day. So many broken promises, so many broken dreams and so many disappointments.  So I have always relied on myself, no matter how hard it was. I always believed in the above and I have held on to that truth for so long.

But what do you do when someone breaks down that wall and wont allow you to ever build it back again? What do you do when someone already hears you before you even cry out? What do you do when someone is always there for you no matter what? What do you do when you are at the top of someone's to do list?

I was scared shitless, because someone took me outside of these familiar walls and dropped me in the middle of a forest. It was a forest I had never seen before and it made me scared not knowing what was behind each tree.

But with every tree I passed, it got easier to take the next step. After a while I knew I was walking on solid ground and I could trust that behind every tree there was another one with even bigger roots. The deeper I walked into the forest, the more beautiful it became.

Sometimes I still got scared and would hide behind the tree where I hoped no one would see me. I would try to find bricks to build up a wall again in the middle of that forest. But no bricks could be found in this forest and every time I got scared, I felt a gentle push guiding me to the next tree.

The forest has a river to swim in, but never to drown in. The forest has plants, but none of them are poisonous. The forest provides light when there is darkness. The forest is open and endless, but still gives safety and comfort within its borders. The forest can never be conquered by others, for its borders are too strong to break.

This forest is our realm; a realm with an endless journey, a realm better known as our friendship.

Choices

We all make choices in life, we all face crossroads in life in which we have to make a choice. Sometimes we wish that other people could make certain choices for us, because it would make things easier. Sometimes we think we don’t have a choice in things we have no control over. We all have choices, always. The saying ‘You leave me no choice’ is probably the biggest crap I have ever heard, but it is a great excuse for people to use, when they want to put the blame at the other person.

We have created sayings so we can escape from our responsibilities, find excuses for doing certain things and feel better about ourselves, because if we convince ourselves that we had no choice, we wont have to look into the mirror and feel ashamed.

A lot of people make certain choices out of selfish reasons; people try to push others in making choices that will benefit them and others make choices and try to cover it up, because they don’t want to be honest about it, the so called hidden agenda, while others want to shout their choices from the rooftops, so the world will know. It all comes down to one thing; we make choices out of selfish reasons, if there is nothing to gain we walk away.

If someone chooses to donate money to a good cause, he wants to be acknowledged for it,

If someone chooses not to help someone, they hide behind their inability. If someone tries to push someone toward a certain choice, they use ultimatums: “If you don’t do this, I will…” One thing I am allergic to is when people try to use ultimatums with me. That will always backfire. I don’t listen to ultimatums and I will never negotiate.

Some choices leave people hurt, angry, sad or disappointed. Sometimes it is done on purpose, sometimes its not. Sometimes you have to choose for yourself and follow your own heart, no matter if you leave people hurt. But if you do, stand tall and don’t hide behind excuses. You made a choice for you; it is your life, your happiness and that is something you can be proud of, no matter what other people might say or think.

And maybe we could also make a choice sometimes to do something nice for someone else, when there is nothing to gain. Buy your neighbor flowers, buy a homeless person dinner, and make the choice that you are going to make a difference in someone’s life by just simply making that choice. Can it be that simple? Yes, I think it can!

If you had a lousy morning, miss your buss, step in dog shit and have to run in the rain to work and when you arrive all soaking wet, smelling like you just stepped out a pile of manure, there is a nice cup of coffee, just the way you like it, waiting for you, wouldn’t your entire day brighten up?

And maybe, just maybe, if we keep making the choice to make a difference for someone else again and again, we start doing it without even thinking about it, it would be just like riding a bike. Maybe I will forget about all of this tomorrow already when I step into the everyday world again, but I will remind myself again and again and keep making those choices until it is just like riding a bike.

My secret

I have been keeping a secret for quite some time now. I have felt the secret, I even dreamt the secret, but I never acknowledged it. I have been in denial about this secret for many months now, but secretly while lying in bed, I would, still awake, dream about my secret. I would escape what is and would dream about what could be.

When people would ask me about it, I would just deny its existence. I would return to my every day routine and would go on being in denial. The secret makes me smile, but at the same time makes me cry. It makes me love, but at the same time makes me scared. My secret is like an aphrodisiac. Its a drug so addictive, it stays inside of you, even if you don't want to. Like any drug, it also has its side effects; it's unpredictable, heart wrenching and hurtful at times. There have been times I just wanted to dispose of my secret, I didn't want it no more. I was just ready to give up on my secret. But somehow my secret was so precious, I had to cling on to it.

My secret involves a lot of people, some know they are part of my secret, others don't. Some people anxiously want to know about my secret, others would rather run away and never look back.

The moments I feel my secret the most is when I am with the people I love. Just hanging out, talking with the people I love makes me feel my secret so intensely. I breath my secret at moments like that. The people you love and love you can do that with you. But still at those moments they still don't realize my secret is there, they don't think about it. But I do know if my secret would ever vanish, they would miss it.

I have carried my secret with me for so long now. Sometimes I forget about it, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes I almost hate my secret.

The past year my secret had become a struggle, so much even I pretended my secret wasn't there. I buried my secret in work, denial and insomnia. But finally my secret hit me in the head with a frying pan.

So now I have decided to finally acknowledge the secret, to embrace it, to do with it what I want, to make the people I love a part of the secret, like they have always been secretly. It is a liberating, but scary feeling.

My secret is life. What's yours?

Your mirror

Why are you afraid of me? Why do you feel the need to walk away? Am I too confronting for you? Do I tell you things no one has ever told you before?
The times that you don't want to look in the mirror, are exactly the times that you should. You can avoid the mirror and accept the always nagging pain somewhere deep in your heart or you can confront it, feel pain like you never have before, heal your wounds and then walk out of it better than before.
You stay within your own comfort zone. It is what you know, it is where you feel safe. Sometimes you try to take one step out of your comfort zone, but you freak out and run back, making your world even smaller than it already was. Your dreams are bigger than the comfort zone you live in. You can stay and think about what could have been or you can take that step and follow your dreams.

I was your mirror. I was the one telling you to step out of your comfort zone. You got scared and pushed away the one person who believes you are bigger than life, the one person who believes in your dreams. You banned your mirror out of your life, so you could feel safe again. Now you are living the life you know again, surrounded by people who don't know you, surrounded by people who will never come too close.

But beside me, there is still one person left who believes you are bigger than life and who believes in your dreams. Please don't push him away. Without him you will be captured in your comfort zone forever.
Listen to him, embrace him and love him. Maybe you can't right now, but there will come a time you can.
And if the time comes you can, just look in the mirror. Because that one person is you!

Life as I knew it...

Have you ever felt like every certainty you had, is wiped away in one single moment? That in one single moment your world collapses?  Well I have. Life as I knew it, would never be the same.
I broke down and couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep.  I felt betrayed, because I didn't understand. And because I didn't understand, I blamed myself. Was everything I thought to be true a lie? All those promises didn't mean anything anymore?
I was ready to call it quits, because I couldn't bare feeling the pain anymore. I snapped out of the moment when I realized I was in my pajamas and I didn't want to go that way. Life can be funny that way.
My friends would call me every day to make sure I was still in my pajamas. They listened to the same story over and over. I also thought of the promise I once made to you. My pajamas, my friends and my promise saved me.

You don't need to hear my voice to know what I am saying. You don't need to hold my hand to feel me. You don't need to look into my eyes to see my soul.  And vice versa I don't need it either. 

Words don't even matter anymore. Even in silence you can still read my mind.  But still the silence hurts sometimes. I still feel your presence and your pain, I always will. Lies were never there, I know now the truth never changed. I believe and I know. 

Despite the absence, despite the silence, I wait for change. Change will come, one day. 

Listen to your heart and you will hear me speak. With every step you take, you will feel me next to you. Look inside yourself and you will see my soul.

Past Present Future

A lot of people always say: Dont look back at the past, but live in the present and look at the future. It is so easy to say and so hard to do. How can you not look at the past, when it is the past that defines who you are in the present and how you look at the future? Every day you create more past and less future. In this last week I added quite some hard moments to my past. So I had to use the present to deal with the past and again there is less future left. Recently losing someone who was an important part of my present and future, also dragged me back to the past. My body is in the present, but my soul is in the past and in my mind there is no future.

The past, present and future are always linked together. With your closest friends you talk about your past, while you make new memories together in the present and make plans for the future. You can never change the past, but you can always change the course of your future. Sometimes because you have no other choice and sometimes because you want to.

A good friend of mine sent me a message this week. It said: When the tide of life turns against you and the current upsets your boat, don't waste your time on what might have been. Just lie on your back and float.

So I'll just float and see where life takes me. I'll just do what I want to do now and leave the future where it belongs; in the future. What I want now is to be happy. I am trying. And in the meanwhile I'll float on the waves that life gives me. I'll try not to sink.