The forest

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I scream, no one can hear me, as if my screams are silenced by the invisible tears I cry. And the more people don't respond to my screams for help, the more I feel alone. Walls go up again and I am caught in the lonely feeling called hurt. I have never been a priority to no one, because when I cry out for help, I am not on anyone's to do list for that day. So many broken promises, so many broken dreams and so many disappointments.  So I have always relied on myself, no matter how hard it was. I always believed in the above and I have held on to that truth for so long.

But what do you do when someone breaks down that wall and wont allow you to ever build it back again? What do you do when someone already hears you before you even cry out? What do you do when someone is always there for you no matter what? What do you do when you are at the top of someone's to do list?

I was scared shitless, because someone took me outside of these familiar walls and dropped me in the middle of a forest. It was a forest I had never seen before and it made me scared not knowing what was behind each tree.

But with every tree I passed, it got easier to take the next step. After a while I knew I was walking on solid ground and I could trust that behind every tree there was another one with even bigger roots. The deeper I walked into the forest, the more beautiful it became.

Sometimes I still got scared and would hide behind the tree where I hoped no one would see me. I would try to find bricks to build up a wall again in the middle of that forest. But no bricks could be found in this forest and every time I got scared, I felt a gentle push guiding me to the next tree.

The forest has a river to swim in, but never to drown in. The forest has plants, but none of them are poisonous. The forest provides light when there is darkness. The forest is open and endless, but still gives safety and comfort within its borders. The forest can never be conquered by others, for its borders are too strong to break.

This forest is our realm; a realm with an endless journey, a realm better known as our friendship.

Unspoken words

Sometimes you feel you have lost someone, while they are still around. You try to hold on to them, but you feel them slowly slipping away from you. It is not certain events that make you realize this loss. It is a distance you feel when you sit next to each other. The unspoken words will never be heard, but are felt so much more. The understanding vanishes, the disbelief remains. You want to save what is still there, grasp on to what is left, build what has fallen apart. But with every brick you place back, you have a feeling two bricks fall down again. All that remains is the ruins of what once was a beautiful friendship.

Words mean nothing in the end. Words are empty when they are not spoken from the heart. But still people take greater value to what is said instead of what is felt. But isn't it so much better to know and feel that there is someone in your life who will always have your back, who will always be there for you without you even having to ask? And isn't it beautiful when that someone also shows you that the sense of loss you had, is ungrounded? Your best friend is the one who will show you the value of your other close friends, because he knows he will never be replaced. Your best friend is the one who will tell you the truth, because he knows you can handle hearing it from him. Your best friend is the one who will tell you the unspoken words you felt are wrong, because he knows you can be dyslexic at times.

Sometimes you have to let go of the feeling you have and trust that, no matter how many bricks fall down, the foundation you have built together is strong enough to hold a lifetime.

My secret

I have been keeping a secret for quite some time now. I have felt the secret, I even dreamt the secret, but I never acknowledged it. I have been in denial about this secret for many months now, but secretly while lying in bed, I would, still awake, dream about my secret. I would escape what is and would dream about what could be.

When people would ask me about it, I would just deny its existence. I would return to my every day routine and would go on being in denial. The secret makes me smile, but at the same time makes me cry. It makes me love, but at the same time makes me scared. My secret is like an aphrodisiac. Its a drug so addictive, it stays inside of you, even if you don't want to. Like any drug, it also has its side effects; it's unpredictable, heart wrenching and hurtful at times. There have been times I just wanted to dispose of my secret, I didn't want it no more. I was just ready to give up on my secret. But somehow my secret was so precious, I had to cling on to it.

My secret involves a lot of people, some know they are part of my secret, others don't. Some people anxiously want to know about my secret, others would rather run away and never look back.

The moments I feel my secret the most is when I am with the people I love. Just hanging out, talking with the people I love makes me feel my secret so intensely. I breath my secret at moments like that. The people you love and love you can do that with you. But still at those moments they still don't realize my secret is there, they don't think about it. But I do know if my secret would ever vanish, they would miss it.

I have carried my secret with me for so long now. Sometimes I forget about it, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes I almost hate my secret.

The past year my secret had become a struggle, so much even I pretended my secret wasn't there. I buried my secret in work, denial and insomnia. But finally my secret hit me in the head with a frying pan.

So now I have decided to finally acknowledge the secret, to embrace it, to do with it what I want, to make the people I love a part of the secret, like they have always been secretly. It is a liberating, but scary feeling.

My secret is life. What's yours?

Life as I knew it...

Have you ever felt like every certainty you had, is wiped away in one single moment? That in one single moment your world collapses?  Well I have. Life as I knew it, would never be the same.
I broke down and couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep.  I felt betrayed, because I didn't understand. And because I didn't understand, I blamed myself. Was everything I thought to be true a lie? All those promises didn't mean anything anymore?
I was ready to call it quits, because I couldn't bare feeling the pain anymore. I snapped out of the moment when I realized I was in my pajamas and I didn't want to go that way. Life can be funny that way.
My friends would call me every day to make sure I was still in my pajamas. They listened to the same story over and over. I also thought of the promise I once made to you. My pajamas, my friends and my promise saved me.

You don't need to hear my voice to know what I am saying. You don't need to hold my hand to feel me. You don't need to look into my eyes to see my soul.  And vice versa I don't need it either. 

Words don't even matter anymore. Even in silence you can still read my mind.  But still the silence hurts sometimes. I still feel your presence and your pain, I always will. Lies were never there, I know now the truth never changed. I believe and I know. 

Despite the absence, despite the silence, I wait for change. Change will come, one day. 

Listen to your heart and you will hear me speak. With every step you take, you will feel me next to you. Look inside yourself and you will see my soul.

Past Present Future

A lot of people always say: Dont look back at the past, but live in the present and look at the future. It is so easy to say and so hard to do. How can you not look at the past, when it is the past that defines who you are in the present and how you look at the future? Every day you create more past and less future. In this last week I added quite some hard moments to my past. So I had to use the present to deal with the past and again there is less future left. Recently losing someone who was an important part of my present and future, also dragged me back to the past. My body is in the present, but my soul is in the past and in my mind there is no future.

The past, present and future are always linked together. With your closest friends you talk about your past, while you make new memories together in the present and make plans for the future. You can never change the past, but you can always change the course of your future. Sometimes because you have no other choice and sometimes because you want to.

A good friend of mine sent me a message this week. It said: When the tide of life turns against you and the current upsets your boat, don't waste your time on what might have been. Just lie on your back and float.

So I'll just float and see where life takes me. I'll just do what I want to do now and leave the future where it belongs; in the future. What I want now is to be happy. I am trying. And in the meanwhile I'll float on the waves that life gives me. I'll try not to sink.