Please don't interrupt me when I am listening to you. It's not very polite.
When I talk, you can speak. You don't need to listen. Please don't absorb every word that comes from my mouth. You can give the same reply to completely different answers. That should be enough.
"Hey, how you're doing?"
"I'm doing fine."
"Well, you take it easy."
"Hey, how you're doing?"
"Honestly, I feel like crap."
"Well, you take it easy."
You rule the world with talk. Small talk, speeches, presentations, interruptions. The one with the biggest mouth wins. You. I speak two words and you interrupt. You cannot read between the lines. You can speak between the lines. You hear the words, but you speak before you listen. You don't need to listen. You already listen to yourself when you talk. That should be enough.
Won't it be awkward when one day you talk and there is no one left to listen?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
the silence
The silence is deafening. The voices in my head are talking so fast, I can barely comprehend.
I wonder what language they are speaking, because I don't understand a word. I try to decipher the words, but nothing sounds familiar. The silence surrounds me like a fog. I try not to listen, but I can't escape the silence. Everywhere I go, the silence follows me. The only thing I can do is embrace the silence and let it lead me. I wonder where I'll go.
I wonder what language they are speaking, because I don't understand a word. I try to decipher the words, but nothing sounds familiar. The silence surrounds me like a fog. I try not to listen, but I can't escape the silence. Everywhere I go, the silence follows me. The only thing I can do is embrace the silence and let it lead me. I wonder where I'll go.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Random thoughts
I'm Italian. I am Dutch. I'm stubborn, I have a big mouth, I am brutally honest and I expect the same in return. I act tough, but sometimes I am not. I trust people until they prove otherwise. I can be a total bitch. I can be a complete sweetheart. I am open and straight forward. I rather know then be kept in the dark, no matter if it hurts like hell. Not knowing eats me alive. I love adventure. I hate routine. I am easy. I am difficult. I forgive, but never forget. If you screw me over, I will get revenge. When things get boring, I hate life. When I take risks, I love life.
I want to go to Africa and start my own elephant farm. I want to move to the States and start my own mob family. I want to travel all over the world. I want to have sex in the jungle. I want to kiss a whale. I want to paint 100 naked men. I want to drive to the sun without getting a sunburn. I want to become rich without getting caught.
I have nightmares. I am scared, but not afraid. I need someone around. Sometimes. I need to be alone. Lots of times. I think a lot. I say less. I expect a lot. I get little. I am a walking understatement. I am a sleeping over achiever. I live for pain. I love for lust.
Suck it up or let it out. Be honest or be gone. Be with me or against me. Kiss my lips or kiss my ass. If you cannot love me, hate me. It's still an emotion. Feel me. Touch me. You can walk away. But never let me go. Life sucks. Suck life. Before it's gone.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Letter to the clemency board for Brett
Dear members of the Parole Board, June 27, 2011
I am writing you in regard of the planned execution of Brett Hartmann on August 16th.
I want to urge you to give Brett Hartmann a stay of execution.
I have known Brett for over 4 years now. I have read the trial transcripts and the police reports myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is too much doubt about his guilt to execute Brett.
The facts of this case:
There were hairs found on the victims body and also a used condom. Despite different attempts, the Summit County Prosecutor refused to have these important pieces of evidence tested.
There was evidence supporting Brett’s own story; he was with the victim the night before she was murdered and he found her hours after the murder. The evidence of the time of the murder, like the alarm clock and finger prints found, were sent to the lab, but the results were never shared. Other evidence at the time of the murder were never tested at all.
At the time of the murder Brett was at home (15 minutes away from the crime scene) on the phone with a friend. The testimony of that friend and phone records support this.
The defense failed to call expert witnesses on the stand who contradicted the testimony of the expert witness of the Prosecutor, Rod Englert. His theory and testimony about the blood found on Brett’s t-shirt were false.
When comparing the police reports with the testimonies of several police officers, it becomes clear that these police officers committed perjury in favor for the Prosecution. For example there was a fingerprint found on the alarm clock (the cord was used to strangle the victim) and sent to the lab, but the results were never shared. Members of the police testified the fingerprint was not clear enough to send it to the lab.
The police and Prosecutor failed to pursue the most likely alternative suspect. He didn’t have an alibi at the time of the murder, he had a master key of the building and he was the ex boyfriend of the victim. Witnesses have heard him threaten the victim on several occasions.
There is questionable testimony from a jailhouse snitch. Perjury involving the primary government informant in the case would bring the reliability of the jury’s guilty verdict into question.
Brett as the person I know:
I have come to know Brett as a generous, loving and caring person. He has been a great friend over the years. I have had contact with Brett through letters, on the phone and on several visits. Despite his situation he has always been there for me and always supported me through all my ordeals. He is a calm, intelligent and thoughtful person. He has successfully finished his paralegal studies, became an ordained minister and has done several other studies while incarcerated. He has also painted the walls in the prison and has made several paintings for family and loved ones. Brett is a huge contribution to many peoples’ lives. He certainly is to mine.
Finally, I have the upmost sympathy for Winda Snipes’ family and friends. But when there is so much doubt about Brett’s guilt, executing him will bring them no justice either.The real killer might still be walking the streets. I am urging you, not only for Brett’s sake, but also for Winda, her loved ones and for the safety of everyone else, that you give Brett Hartmann a stay of execution. With this stay DNA can be tested and we can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Brett is in fact innocent. When you don’t give Brett a stay, the streets are not safer, Winda and her loved ones haven’t gotten justice and the real killer remains unpunished.
Sincerely,
I am writing you in regard of the planned execution of Brett Hartmann on August 16th.
I want to urge you to give Brett Hartmann a stay of execution.
I have known Brett for over 4 years now. I have read the trial transcripts and the police reports myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is too much doubt about his guilt to execute Brett.
The facts of this case:
There were hairs found on the victims body and also a used condom. Despite different attempts, the Summit County Prosecutor refused to have these important pieces of evidence tested.
There was evidence supporting Brett’s own story; he was with the victim the night before she was murdered and he found her hours after the murder. The evidence of the time of the murder, like the alarm clock and finger prints found, were sent to the lab, but the results were never shared. Other evidence at the time of the murder were never tested at all.
At the time of the murder Brett was at home (15 minutes away from the crime scene) on the phone with a friend. The testimony of that friend and phone records support this.
The defense failed to call expert witnesses on the stand who contradicted the testimony of the expert witness of the Prosecutor, Rod Englert. His theory and testimony about the blood found on Brett’s t-shirt were false.
When comparing the police reports with the testimonies of several police officers, it becomes clear that these police officers committed perjury in favor for the Prosecution. For example there was a fingerprint found on the alarm clock (the cord was used to strangle the victim) and sent to the lab, but the results were never shared. Members of the police testified the fingerprint was not clear enough to send it to the lab.
The police and Prosecutor failed to pursue the most likely alternative suspect. He didn’t have an alibi at the time of the murder, he had a master key of the building and he was the ex boyfriend of the victim. Witnesses have heard him threaten the victim on several occasions.
There is questionable testimony from a jailhouse snitch. Perjury involving the primary government informant in the case would bring the reliability of the jury’s guilty verdict into question.
Brett as the person I know:
I have come to know Brett as a generous, loving and caring person. He has been a great friend over the years. I have had contact with Brett through letters, on the phone and on several visits. Despite his situation he has always been there for me and always supported me through all my ordeals. He is a calm, intelligent and thoughtful person. He has successfully finished his paralegal studies, became an ordained minister and has done several other studies while incarcerated. He has also painted the walls in the prison and has made several paintings for family and loved ones. Brett is a huge contribution to many peoples’ lives. He certainly is to mine.
Finally, I have the upmost sympathy for Winda Snipes’ family and friends. But when there is so much doubt about Brett’s guilt, executing him will bring them no justice either.The real killer might still be walking the streets. I am urging you, not only for Brett’s sake, but also for Winda, her loved ones and for the safety of everyone else, that you give Brett Hartmann a stay of execution. With this stay DNA can be tested and we can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Brett is in fact innocent. When you don’t give Brett a stay, the streets are not safer, Winda and her loved ones haven’t gotten justice and the real killer remains unpunished.
Sincerely,
Monday, June 20, 2011
My letter for Brett
I keep procrastinating it, because I don't want to do it. Because when I do, it is reality. When I do, the truth is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. August 16. Just another date for so many people. But that date has been hunting me. I've had nightmares about that date. For more than 4 years he has been such a close friend. And now I need to write a letter to the Clemency Board to save his life. Brett has an execution date for August 16.
He is innocent, so how can this happen? Let me put one thing straight. I am not saying he is innocent, because I want him to be innocent, because I think he is innocent or because he told me he is innocent. I am saying he is innocent, because I know he is innocent. Some of my friends think I have poor judgement when it comes to his innocence. They think I got too personally involved and that this has blurred my objectivity. The great thing about Brett is when we met, he didnt emphasize his innocence. He just sent me the trial transcript and all the police reports and told me to judge for myself. I was amazed by the complete lack of evidence against him and similarily amazed by the pile of evidence supporting his innocence. People have elevated their careers because of Brett's conviction. He has been on death row for over 13 years now. It makes me angry, it makes me pissed off and it makes me feel completely powerless. I want to slap the members of the Clemency Board in their face with all the evidence supporting his innocence. I want to scream at them that they are about to execute an innocent man and that the real murderer is still out there. I am astonished that prosecutors, policemen and so called expert witnesses have willingly commited perjury and thereby signed his death sentence to help their own careers. If Brett would have pleaded guilty, he would have gotten life without parole. But because he didnt show remorse according to the judge and kept claiming his innocence, he got the death sentence. Brett will never admit guilt, even if he can save his life with it. Not then and not now. The legacy he wants to leave is not that of a murderer. But right now most people see him this way.
And now I have to write a letter to the Clemency Board. Can words persuade them to give him a stay?
Should I tell them about all of the wonderful memories we shared? Does it matter to them that he loved waking me up with his 3am phonecalls, he learned how to speak Dutch, but couldnt pronounce the letter 'G' and we couldn't stop laughing when throwing food at each other at visits? Do they care that he gave me the nickname Roadrunner and Bula, he made a lot of beautiful paintings for me and that I just don't want to lose such a dear friend? Will they quickly read through the letter and then lay it aside or will they read it and let the words really sink in?
Brett doesn't deserve to die. He doesn't need to die. Brett is such a beautiful, warm and gentle person. He blames himself that we became close friends, because he doesn't want to leave me devastated when he is executed. When his execution does happen, I will be left devastated, but I will never regret knowing him and loving him. I will never regret all the moments we shared. It was all worth it. I wouldn't change a thing.
I hope the words will make them realize that Brett shouldn't die. I hope Brett will be spared. I hope Brett will live. I hope. I will keep hoping.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Your beautiful soul
A beautiful mind, filled with extraordinary thoughts. A beautiful soul, filled with intense emotions. I am amazed by the truth behind your thoughts. I am touched by the heart behind your emotions. You are unique in a way that is unique itself. Words not spoken from the heart are better left unsaid. As I listen to your words, I realize how remarkable you are. Your soul speaks the language of the heart so fluently, I cannot stop listening.
I tell myself to remember the words, because there is so much to learn from it.
A beautiful mind, filled with a great sense of humor. A beautiful soul, filled with smiles and laughter. A sense of humor so compatible to mine. In times of stress, laughter eases the pain. In times of grieve, a smile gets everyting into perspective. When you can laugh at each others jokes, life gets easier in a way.
A beautiful mind, filled with the hard lessons of life. A beautiful soul, filled with pain and love. When you can share your pain with each other without holding back, you are connected. You can cry and you can even argue. When our heart bleeds, we accept that we can argue sometimes. We will cry together afterwards and move on. That is how we help each other to deal with the lessons life gives us.
You are who you are. I cherish the good and the bad. Why? Because I am in love with your soul.
I tell myself to remember the words, because there is so much to learn from it.
A beautiful mind, filled with a great sense of humor. A beautiful soul, filled with smiles and laughter. A sense of humor so compatible to mine. In times of stress, laughter eases the pain. In times of grieve, a smile gets everyting into perspective. When you can laugh at each others jokes, life gets easier in a way.
A beautiful mind, filled with the hard lessons of life. A beautiful soul, filled with pain and love. When you can share your pain with each other without holding back, you are connected. You can cry and you can even argue. When our heart bleeds, we accept that we can argue sometimes. We will cry together afterwards and move on. That is how we help each other to deal with the lessons life gives us.
You are who you are. I cherish the good and the bad. Why? Because I am in love with your soul.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Chasing dreams
When you walked away, I couldn't move. I let you walk away until you were nothing but a fragment of my imagination. Your existence only remained in my mind. I believed in you, I believed in us. I forgot to believe in myself. Your dreams became mine. It didn't matter what I wanted. It was never a part of your dreams. I got captured in your world. I forgot what my world looked like. I altered myself, so I could be who I thought you wanted me to be. You didn't ask me to do this, but you didn't mind it happened. I followed your dreams everywhere. I was convinced I could fulfill your dreams, but somehow I was afraid I couldn't fulfill my own.
So I buried my dreams and focused on yours. It felt so much easier. There was never a weight on my shoulders, because I was good in chasing dreams for everyone else but myself. I was ready to change my life for you. I had already given up so much, but I believed it was for a greater good. My best friend asked me if this was what I needed to do or what I wanted to do. I couldn't answer the question, but our conversation kept haunting me. So I let you walk away. Left with nothing, I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't remember where my dreams were buried. I put all of your dreams in a box. They were no longer my dreams to chase.
I have learned from this all and I have never regretted being with you. I hope I won't make the same mistakes again though. I will always do my best to help other people pursuing their dreams, I just won't chase them myself anymore. I have my own dreams now. And no matter how small they are, they're my dreams.
So I buried my dreams and focused on yours. It felt so much easier. There was never a weight on my shoulders, because I was good in chasing dreams for everyone else but myself. I was ready to change my life for you. I had already given up so much, but I believed it was for a greater good. My best friend asked me if this was what I needed to do or what I wanted to do. I couldn't answer the question, but our conversation kept haunting me. So I let you walk away. Left with nothing, I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't remember where my dreams were buried. I put all of your dreams in a box. They were no longer my dreams to chase.
I have learned from this all and I have never regretted being with you. I hope I won't make the same mistakes again though. I will always do my best to help other people pursuing their dreams, I just won't chase them myself anymore. I have my own dreams now. And no matter how small they are, they're my dreams.
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